Strategies for dealing with Difficult People
1) Do not avoid the person. Yes, you may need to "gather your thoughts" after reading a strongly-worded email. You may need to take some time to carefully consider the situation before interacting; but, you will cause the problem to grow if you avoid, ignore, or "ghost" the person.
2) Turn-down-the-temperature. Remember that others' reactions are often a result of their own, personal life issues, and have little (or nothing) to do with you. Help turn the dial down on your own emotional reaction by recalling CBT practices Links to an external site.like avoiding all/nothing language, avoiding fortunetelling and mindreading, changing "shoulds" to "wants", etc.
3) Validate the other persons' feelings and concerns before addressing the issue. Cliché as it may be, seek to first understand, and then be understood. If others aren't great at verbalizing these feelings, you can help by doing some detective work: Are they angry their student is in a remedial class? Maybe they're feeling concerned that their student isn't going to be successful in life? This is fear. Call it out: "It seems like you might be feeling afraid for your students' future academic success. Is this right?" Is a parent angry their student didn't pass your course. You might say: "I understand you are feeling scared and overwhelmed that your student might not graduate. Is this fair?" Maybe an administrator is concerned that students aren't enjoying your course. Even though they are your boss, you could still say something like, "I understand you are worried and nervous my teaching is negatively affecting students. Is this true?" You can learn how to do this expertly with practice and time. I also highly suggest reading (or listening-to) Nonviolent Communication by RosenbergLinks to an external site. for a more detailed framework regarding feelings/needs based communication.
4) Don't send that email! Write it. Share it with a friend. Talk about it in your stand-up comedy special. But don't send it. Only send short, empathic, professional emails. You may defend your policies and procedures. You may refer to your syllabus. You may hold to your boundaries. However, if an email is longer than a paragraph, I highly recommend setting-up a meeting. Email arguing is rarely effective and is often misconstrued.
5) Which leads me to this: meet in person. If the issue persists or you feel like there might be a legal issue, don't hesitate to meet in person. Invite a trusted school counselor or administrator. Invite legal support or a union representative if you feel nervous about the meeting. Be clear about the goals for the meeting.
6) Ask other teachers for advice. Find your trusted teacher friends. Make yourself a part of the fabric of the teacher community in your school. Show them the email. Ask them to give you honest feedback. You don't just want a cheerleader, you want a colleague. If you haven't already, listen to this podcast: How to Complain ProductivelyLinks to an external site..
7) Develop strong relationships with parents before there are problems. Remember that contempt, hate, and dehumanization often function best when we don't know one another. Seek to develop relationships with parents by sending postcards about their students successes, making phone calls when times are good, and becoming part of parent-teacher groups on your campus. I love this tedtalk about building relationships with parents and teachers:
8) Sometimes it's not worth your sanity. Cave! This may be a controversial opinion, but from much experience, I've found that if a parent or caregiver is making life miserable, you might just need to do what it takes to make them happy, despite your better judgement. Please don't misunderstand: I'm not saying this should be your default. I am saying that, at the end of the day, we need you in the classroom! We need you to teach! You love it. You worked hard for this career. Don't let one bad actor be your demise. This was a big lesson for me when an extremely aggressive, angry father shouted at me for hours about his son's A- in seventh-grade math. During this meeting I didn't cave. I cried. I explained why it wouldn't be fair to other students. He was mean. Mean as hell. I felt defeated. Afterward, I had a professor (I was getting a master's degree at the time) say this: "If this father would like his son to learn that you can get what you want, without earning it, I foresee him living in his parents' basement well into his 30s. And that's a parenting fail. Not a teaching fail." He gave me permission to wash my hands of the situation by changing the grade. Of course, I didn't do it without a snarky remark: I'm changing the grade. Not because he earned it, but because you bullied me into it. I don't usually respond to bullies, but since he's not my child and I don't have to experience the long-term ramifications of this parenting move, I've decided to let you make the final decision on the matter. That was an email I sent. And I don't regret it.
9) Listen and learn. Although some parents and administrators do not have your best interest as a priority, many (most?) parents/caregivers and administrators have legitimate concerns and can offer valuable feedback. You're not perfect and you have a lot to learn. There are times when feedback is necessary and valid. Take ownership of your shortcomings and learn from your mistakes. Parental feedback can also have the added benefit of giving you ideas for differentiating instruction. Parents know their child well. As a parent of students, I've noticed that some teachers are great at listening to my concerns at the beginning of the year. These concerns are typically related to my child, and how their affect or habits might get them in trouble. Essentially, I ask teachers to "be on the lookout" for certain things. I've noticed that some teachers shoo me away without really listening; after all, they've been teaching 6th grade longer than I have. However, none of my "advice" is meant to be taken personally. The teachers who listen and respond typically have a better year with my child, and are in communication with me about my concerns. It feels like a partnership. If you haven't already, please take some time to listen to this podcast about getting feedback: Learning from your MistakesLinks to an external site.
Links to an external site.10) Remember, you have choices! This is my final, and most important, message to those of us who are teachers, and those of you who will soon be a teacher: You are influential. You make the final decision. Nobody can "make you" go against your values and boundaries. Part of self-care and self-compassion is setting boundaries and unapologetically holding those boundaries. You can work to design policies that are to be fair to both you and your students. Remember that the student is priority #1. However, your sanity, safety, and work conditions are also important. Be clear about the boundaries you will and will not flex. Be clear about your reasons for doing so. It could be an issue of fairness (to other students or yourself.) It could be an issue of teaching students accountability. It could be an issue of personal preference. All of these are valid. Your experience is valid. Your boundaries are valid. If you are continually walked-upon, you will resent your job, your students, and might eventually leave teaching. You must be true to yourself and practice self-care and self-compassion. You don't need to apologize for the inability to be everything to everyone, or to adapt to each person in your sphere. You can say "no" to being the cheerleading advisor! You can say "no" to meeting with a parent who is being hateful, hurtful, and caustic. Your safety is important. Will you make exceptions? Of course! Will you differentiate instruction and learn how to adapt and adjust to students' needs? Of course! None of this, however, implies that you must please everyone. Often, you will not be able to please anyone but yourself. Holding students accountable is part of your job. Sometimes this means a hard "no" or being part of dolling-out natural consequences. (And sometimes this means "caving," in order to appease a squeaky wheel and move on so you can impact the other 150 students who depend upon you.) These are your choices, and they are all valid. "Know thyself," and, I might add, "take care of thyself!"
On a larger scale, you will not be forced you to follow a policy you believe is unethical or immoral. Some may try and convince you, threaten your job, your safety, or your life, but you have the final choice. You are not a victim of this system. As my one of my favorite authors says, “The actions of individuals can either rescript existing narratives, or challenge them” (Imani Perry, 2011.) The system is flawed, but you can choose how to function within the system - will the system move along unchallenged, smoothly, or will you throw-in a wrench or two?
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